This is Too Much Some Days

I have been busy. One of my kids was in the hospital for ten days and I have been a wreck. But Sunday night, my son Anthony contacted me on MSN. We chatted for an hour or so. He asked why I haven't talked to him and he re-added me on Facebook. I told him what CAS had said about me "beating him" and he said never told them that. He said, "LIES. IT IS ALL LIES". Then he said he "wants to see me so much." He begged me to be online the next night and I said I would try. That was it. He then copied some posts off my Facebook and blocked me. I got an email from my lawyer yesterday. It was a fax from my ex's lawyer in response to the request to see my son dated November 2nd, 2010. Yesterday was the 19th! Anyway, they were told not to say I am mentally ill anymore as it was proven I am not so now my ex's lawyer said: "We feel that Ms. ******* is not fit to be alone with her son and must have access supervised by the Children's Aid Society. The reason for this is she has recently had inappropriate conversations with her son and she makes him feel very uncomfortable." I am crying as I write this. I screamed, I cried and I lost it yesterday. Are they SERIOUS?! And that my 12 year old son took things off my Facebook page to show the lawyers?! REALLY? How is what I say to my friends inappropriate? I can't even have a life now. I am constantly under a microscope and it feels like it would be so easy to just give up.

As If I Didn't Know I Was Right?

Someone did a little research for me and found some websites about non-custodial parental abduction. He knows that I have full legal custody of my son and the whole history so he looked into it. What my ex did IS completely illegal and the police should have assisted me but they chose not to. CAS should have asked them to help me. I have all of these citations and I am getting them together but where do I go?

What Is A Parental Child Abduction?
Most children who are abducted in Canada are not taken by a stranger, but by a parent. These children are taken without the other parent’s consent or knowledge.
Parental child abduction is illegal and a person found guilty of abduction can be sentenced up to 10 years in prison. The charge of parental child abduction applies not only to parents, but to guardians and others having the lawful care or charge of children under the age of 14.


Who Is A Potential Child Abductor?
The custodial parent is less likely than the non-custodial parent to abduct his/her child, although there are exceptions. A parent who takes little interest in or responsibility for the children is, ironically, a potential abductor. A parent who is a potential child abductor fits the following profile:

• Someone who angers easily, is erratic or impulsive.
• Someone who is hostile, vengeful, spiteful or abusive.
• Someone who possesses the skills, finances and personal connections to support him/herself and the abducted children while moving frequently.
• Someone who has a poor record of employment, and has no business responsibilities that could stop him/her from fleeing.
• Someone with close ties to another country where laws and traditions may be discriminatory towards the rights of foreigners or of people of a certain gender.

In 1999, 200 children and teenagers in Ontario were abducted by estranged parents. That's four children a week.

Think about that....

Where Will This Stop?

Since my son Anthony was taken from me, his father, Carl has let him do whatever he wants. There was a child Anthony used to play with when he was six until he was about eight years old. I put a stop to it when I realized that the mother (who I had a good rapport with; we had coffee on occasion) was a pill addict. So I stopped my son from playing there but I found out recently that he has been staying over at that house every weekend. How is it that I am the worse parent? Please, someone tell me this?

How about this? Anthony and Janelle have friends who are siblings. I will call them Sean and Madison. So, Madison comes over and tells me that her brother Sean has been over at my ex's house a few times to visit with my son. Her brother reported the following:
Carl's house smells like old, moldy chocolate and Hungry Man dinners with a little bit of an old garbage smell.
The girlfriend, Sandra says horrible things about me and calls me names that Sean (who is 11) will not repeat.
Their house is very barren.
MY EX SAT THIS 11 YEAR OLD BOY SEAN DOWN AND TOLD HIM I AM A PSYCHO. Sorry for the caps, but I am so pissed off. Not only that, but each time Sean has visited, Carl has said things like, "She is the master of manipulation" and "She is abusive", etc. These kids (Sean and Madison) have known me for three years now. They are very close with my children. Why would they trust me and like to come to my house if this was true?

I am so fed up. I don't know what to do or say anymore, because the judge was in a bad mood last time that we were in court and now what? Court again soon... and hopefully the Office of the Children's Lawyer comes through for me.

Exhausted, How Will I Do This?

I am drained. I have the flu and I had to miss some more classes. That is bad. God. I am behind with my grades. I don't know what to do. I was so sick today but I took that 33 page document to my lawyer's office. I received confirmation of a case conference on December 14th. So I will not see my son for Christmas. I can guarantee that. Another holiday without him. Christmases, birthdays, New Year's, Thanksgivings; I have missed them all over the years due to an angry, spiteful prick. Yeah, I am pissed off. I won't show it though.

So, court is going to suck. The last time we had case conferences he either didn't show or refused to even settle. Isn't that why it is called a settlement? My lawyer is apparently still working on the access issue as well. I am not very hopeful.

Revenue Canada is Angry At Me Again

The other night I went across the street and got my mail. I didn't want to read the blue notice from the Canada Revenue Agency (CCRA) because I knew Carl was going to get Child Tax, etc for my son. I understand, it is his right, even if he took my son without anyone's permission. So I left it for a while. I finally opened it. I should have known. He did this the last time too; he lied about how long Anthony was in his care for. At least the damage is not as bad this time. Just over $600. But I will not get a Child Tax Benefit cheque until January which creates a bit of a problem. I talked to Daniel and he said he will pay the cell phone bills for me and Janelle until then. (The bill IS in his name so he wants his credit with Rogers to be good! lol). I appreciate him doing that though. It means a lot to me. I have money saved up for Christmas but the problem is that I won't be able to go to BC to visit my family. I haven't told my parents yet. My father will be devastated I am sure. January won't be much better if this court stuff keeps up. We will have eaten through that retainer in no time but I honestly didn't believe he would get a lawyer and thought this would be over by now.

Yes, I would contact CCRA and tell them he lied and is not supposed to get retroactive payments to July but they always tell me to suck it up and bring it up in court. I try to bring it up in court and the lawyers just tell me to sue him another time. I haven't received child support from him once because he refuses to tell me where he works (and he does work) so why would I try and sue him for anything else?

I am really tired. This all exhausts me.

Hilter Would Be Jealous

... of what an asshole you are.

I want to scream that into Carl's fat face. I am sad, blue, a little down. I am not allowed to use words like "depressed" because then I have to have a psych evaluation. I probably do anyway. As I was told by that CPW, it is not for him to prove that I am mentally ill. Now that he has made the first move and the first allegations, it is up to me to disprove it.

I wonder if my son thinks of me at all. He probably doesn't. Carl told me that Anthony, "hates my f***ing guts". I would too, if someone lied to me. It just kills me. Carl tells me (I can't get my son's perspective, especially now that they have had enough time to brainwash him again) that my son wishes that I was dead so Sandra could adopt him. A woman he hardly knows. He hadn't even seen Carl in two years, had no wishes to see him and now he wants to live with him forever.

I do not feel good about any of this at all. I know it will not go in my favour. It doesn't matter who I am or what I do. It doesn't matter how hard I try. If someone continues to make allegations, false or not, against the same person over a period of several years, the person who is being accused of wrong-doing eventually loses. It doesn't matter that this man beat me and my children and controlled my life for so long. It doesn't matter that I have PROOF that this is all bullshit. As that CPW Linda said to me, "It looks like you are guilty when someone calls CAS and alleges you are abusive over a period of many years." That is what she said when I asked her why she thought I was guilty. No one believes me anymore. They find it so hard to believe that a man can be such an asshole that he would want to make me miserable and take the time and energy to lie and control me.
But I swear, it is real and it is my life.

Thirty-three Pages

The forms for the Office of the Children's Lawyer are 33 pages long. I am applying and hoping that they will take this case. The last time this horrible thing happened, we had the OCL involved. The lawyer was great. He/she listens to the child (meeting with the child more than once) and then the parents. They will also speak to my other children if I request. They can tell the lawyer what happened both this time and the previous times. I am struggling with this application form a little though, because of some of the questions. Considering that I am the parent applying for the OCL, I should know what school my son goes to but I have no idea. His father won't tell me.

I talked to a friend the other day about how I am going to go about seeing my son in the future. My lawyer asked his lawyer to suggest that he let me see my son and Carl said no. I was very distraught and crying. He told his lawyer I am "dangerous" because of my apparent "severe mental illness". It makes me wonder. What DID I do? What and who AM I? Ugh, I have to stop thinking that way! Anyway, my friend is a fellow Social Service Worker and Psych student who said, "He obviously has some issues with paranoia, resentment and some sort of mental illness". Maybe he does. I have always thought that he was mentally ill. He always scared the sh*t out of me. I don't know anymore. But I am tired. I am physically exhausted from all of this. And I still have journal articles, exams, papers, book reviews, etc to do as well as this application!

I Am Not Perfect at Anything But Being Me

I am trying to be happy and I pretend things do not bother me. Some days, they don't bother me at all. But it all builds up and weeks later, I begin to slip into this crying and anger.

There are so many things that I want to say to certain people. One thing I would like to say (at the top of my lungs) is, "YOU DON'T KNOW ME!" I am not the scared, anxiety-ridden little girl who used to blow up at people. I am a grown up who loves my kids and my profession. I love learning and writing and reading books. I get angry but I deal with my feelings by talking to others and asking questions. I control my emotions, not the other way around.

I want to tell you that you are the only one in the entire world that I honestly hate. I can't because I am afraid of you. You are a mean, terrible person who wants nothing but to see others suffer. I cannot comprehend how other people want to be around you, unless you have told them the twisted tales that you love to tell. Your lies and deceit spew out of you like the blood from the wounds you inflicted upon me.

I know I made mistakes and I have made up for the majority of them, or at least the ones I can still be in control of. I never once said I was a fuck up and I never once said I was perfect. I am perfect though, at being me and some people like that.