Hilter Would Be Jealous

... of what an asshole you are.

I want to scream that into Carl's fat face. I am sad, blue, a little down. I am not allowed to use words like "depressed" because then I have to have a psych evaluation. I probably do anyway. As I was told by that CPW, it is not for him to prove that I am mentally ill. Now that he has made the first move and the first allegations, it is up to me to disprove it.

I wonder if my son thinks of me at all. He probably doesn't. Carl told me that Anthony, "hates my f***ing guts". I would too, if someone lied to me. It just kills me. Carl tells me (I can't get my son's perspective, especially now that they have had enough time to brainwash him again) that my son wishes that I was dead so Sandra could adopt him. A woman he hardly knows. He hadn't even seen Carl in two years, had no wishes to see him and now he wants to live with him forever.

I do not feel good about any of this at all. I know it will not go in my favour. It doesn't matter who I am or what I do. It doesn't matter how hard I try. If someone continues to make allegations, false or not, against the same person over a period of several years, the person who is being accused of wrong-doing eventually loses. It doesn't matter that this man beat me and my children and controlled my life for so long. It doesn't matter that I have PROOF that this is all bullshit. As that CPW Linda said to me, "It looks like you are guilty when someone calls CAS and alleges you are abusive over a period of many years." That is what she said when I asked her why she thought I was guilty. No one believes me anymore. They find it so hard to believe that a man can be such an asshole that he would want to make me miserable and take the time and energy to lie and control me.
But I swear, it is real and it is my life.