Children's Aid and Abuse of "Power"

A child protection worker (CPW) called me a couple of weeks ago. Her name is Kelly Middaugh and she was very nonchalant when she said, "I bet you aren't surprised to hear from me, are you?" She sounded as though she thought it was funny. She had seen my son that afternoon and had to see me. Great. More BS. So we set up an appointment for Friday (it was Wednesday), which was cancelled by her on Friday morning.
Last Friday, she showed up. I was told a few disturbing things before she did show. My son came to me and said, "She is a different worker person Mom!" I asked, "Oh you mean different from Leslie (Coombs) that your dad and Susan made the allegations against me to in August?" My son said, "Oh yeah but also a different worker than the one I saw in December!"
December? Um, okay. "What did you see a worker for in December?" I asked him.
"Oh, when Dad hit me in the face", he told me.
I couldn't speak for what seemed like ten minutes but was probably about ten seconds.
"Okay, what are you talking about?" I asked, trying not to freak out.
So the story unfolded: Curt had hit my son in the face and when a counsellor at the school noticed a red mark on my son's face, he called CAS. (I still feel sick when I think about this). The worker, a woman named Amy, saw my son and pretty much disregarded the fact that Curtis had hit him. IN THE FACE. She told my son that if he behaved, he wouldn't get hit. She also apparently told him that since I was an unfit mother, he would go to a foster home if he kept it up.
Well, my son is not a bad child for one thing. He has never displayed any behaviour I cannot handle or that I think is worrisome. And it gets better....
So Kelly showed up Friday morning. I asked her if it was true that Leslie had told my ex and his girlfriend to keep my son from seeing me (as this is what was said in court). She admitted it was true. She said the allegations were so serious, she had to do that.
So, CAS has cost me thousands of dollars in lawyer's fees as well as money to the government as my ex committed a fraud in regards to my Child Tax Benefit. Oh, let's not forget the stress that has made me ill and made me miss and even fail some classes.
There is no way to fight CAS. I was told by this worker that they will always be around, watching me. I have not harmed my children and my kids will tell anyone that. I invite the workers into my home and I try to be compliant. I AM A SOCIAL SERVICE WORKER MYSELF. But I have to do what they say and I am a prisoner.

Some Kind of Miracle?

For the past 24 hours I have been wondering and wondering why Curtis (yes, I am now using his and Susan's real names) dropped my son off to me. Is he now satisfied knowing that a couple of thousand dollars were wasted on this? Is he happy about the large payment the Canadian government gave him? Is he actually tired of his own child? Is Susan tired of my child?

He told me to be aware of some sort of horrible behaviours from my son. Of course, I have never seen any of these behaviours. Ever. Was he worried that the Children's Aid Society was on to him after his lawyer made up that story in court the last time? I mean, it was pretty cavalier of his 28 year old lawyer to prance her fat ass in the courtroom and lie about CAS being involved in my home. When she told the judge, "The Children's Aid Society is waiting on the sidelines to intervene if Ms. Dunphy is to retain her custody and have the child returned to her", did she think that my lawyer would not bring proof to the judge and the Office of the Children's Lawyer stating otherwise?

I feel terrible that I ever sent my son to see Curt in August. My poor boy cried and said, "I shouldn't have asked to see him when I wasn't even supposed to". BUT I DIDN'T HAVE TO LET HIM! What is wrong with me?

Never Gonna Give Up

No matter what, he would have found us. I didn't move out of the city, I didn't change jobs and I didn't change my routine. My counsellor had suggested that I change some of my routine but I honestly thought he would just leave us alone. He probably followed the truck when I was moving my furniture but I never realized it. Two weeks after we had moved, he sent me an email saying he knew where we lived. I told him to go to hell and said he couldn't know. Then he emailed me with my address. He insisted that I let him see the kids. I am so afraid of him so I said he could but it had to be in my house. After a lot of verbal abuse and profanity, he agreed. I told the worker from CAS and she was not impressed about it but she said until I retained a lawyer, it would have to do.

It went on that way for over a year. He still emotionally, mentally and verbally abused me. Daniel was at work a lot and I wouldn't tell him Carl saw the kids but he knew when they misbehaved. I kept saying I would get a lawyer but I didn't think any harm would come out of not having one.

In 2005, I realized just how wrong I was. In October, we started experiencing some issues with my oldest daughter, Caitlynn. She was 15 and she was beginning to get angry that Daniel was trying to "tell her what to do" and he wasn't that much older than she was. She had thought of Carl as her dad since she was seven years old and she had called him. He told her that she could stay with him for a couple of weeks. I was hesitant but she insisted. "He won't hurt me Mom. Anna is there and she won't let him", she told me. Well, it was either that or she would run away so I let her. Caitlynn didn't come back home for a very long time. Carl bought her new clothes, a cell phone, new furniture and anything else she wanted. He told her that I was a very seriously mentally ill person and on drugs and I was dangerous. Meanwhile, I had completed counselling and stopped taking antidepressants! (I haven't taken any antidepressants or tranquilizers since 2005). He eventually had her convinced I was the abusive one and that I had lied to her, causing her to have false memories of him abusing her. (This is something she and I have talked about over the past couple of years. She calls it "the brainwashing" and I often worry about her even though she is now 20). Caitlynn began to hate me, I thought. In fact, Carl told me she did hate me.

Carl still continued to see the kids at the house and in August of 2006 he asked if he could take my son, Anthony overnight. Anthony was seven, about to turn eight and he was going to sleepaway camp for the first time in his life. There had been a couple of deaths in Daniel's family and Carl said he would like to take Anthony overnight to help me out. I said yes and the nightmare really began. My life went downhill from there and it will never be the same again.

His Revenge: The Beginning

Carl continued to lie about his relationship with Anna for several months. I saw him with her in Wal Mart and the grocery store. My friends saw him with her and he introduced her as his girlfriend. He drove her car around town and even picked up my kids in it. He sent me emails (which Anna later told me she read and they upset her) saying he loved me and wanted me back. Then he would call me and tell me he hated me and wished I was dead. He told me I should kill myself to save him from having to do it. He would berate me which left me crying for hours on end. We worked in the same office and I became unable to go to work because he was sending me emails in which he was sexually harassing me. I complained and even showed the emails to management. The woman in HR had a "process" she had to go through and when she began the process she found out Carl was my ex. She told me she would not help me as this was a "personal issue to be sorted out among yourselves". I was exasperated. Carl caught wind of my complaint to management and he called me, yelling and threatening me. He said he would "bury me" and that I could interpret that any way I wanted to. I called the police and they said they couldn't (don't they mean wouldn't?) help me. That was the first of many calls I have made to the police over the years.

Children's Aid (also known as CAS, the child protection agency here) showed up at my door. There were allegations of my house being in a disgusting mess. I sat down with the worker (who found no such mess) and explained that Carl had been abusive to us. She decided that she would interview the children in the next few weeks. In the meantime though, he called CAS several more times. It got to the point I suspected they believed his lies.

One night, Carl called and said some horrible things. Not only did he reiterate how much he hated me and that he felt I should die but he also told me he would never leave me alone. He said that from that day on, he would make my life so completely miserable that if I didn't kill myself, I would wish I had. Why did I listen to him? Because he told me that if I hung up he would call me back. He said that if I blocked his phone number he would call my cell phone. And if I didn't answer my cell phone he would come to my house with CAS and the police and he would make up horrible stories so that they would apprehend my children. So I listened and I listened, to the terrible things he thought about me.

After he was done terrorizing me, I sat and cried. Daniel came home from work to find me hysterical. He took me to see a crisis nurse at the ER. She had me see the doctor on call, who gave me a prescription for clonazepam and increased my dose of Effexor. I went home and slept.

The next day was a beautiful spring day in May of 2004. I didn't get to enjoy it because I was unconscious and in the hospital. I will never really know what happened that day. The kids all went out to play and the next thing I remember is getting my stomach pumped and having seven stitches put in my arm. I saw a doctor, who interviewed me at length and he released me the next morning. He called the city police and we made a report after I told them everything Carl had said and done over the past several months. I was put on a medical leave of absence from my job until Carl either quit or was fired.

CAS still showed up constantly. The worker finally interviewed my children and when she was done, she was horrified by what they told her. She had us all put into counselling immediately and told me that Carl was not to see the children under any circumstances. He was so pissed off by this that he started threatening me again. I had just gone back to work (he was fired) and I couldn't handle it so I found a new house to move into and we moved. I felt as though the new start would be good for us. My counsellor told me to slowly start buying new curtains, furniture, etc and when I did, it was so therapeutic! Things were starting to look good.

If only this were true... but the happiness and freedom only lasted a couple of weeks.

What Happened?

I stayed with Carl for six years. He would leave or I would break up with him over the years. Sometimes he refused to leave. I would go on with my life, working and doing my own thing while he continued to abuse us. He would date other women but still profess his love to me and he would apologize for all of the horrible things he did and said to me and my kids. What kinds of things? Kicking my children, hitting them, biting them, calling them names, dragging them by the hair, letting them see him hit me, letting them hear him threaten to kill me. His favourite thing to tell me was that if I ever dared to leave him permanently, he would kill me and make it look like an accident. In fact, Carl had it all set out. He would stab me in the chest and throw me down the stairs. Everyone knows how clumsy I am and would believe that I fell down the stairs, impaling myself with the knife.

I was scared but after six years I was tired of it all. He was seeing someone, a woman I had been chatting with quite a bit online. I was hanging out with her friends and I was oblivious until I saw his chat logs one night. He was sleeping with Anna. I was furious. So I broke it off. He refused to leave and he also denied sleeping with her. He had deleted the chat logs and he insisted that I was crazy. He liked to call me crazy a lot. I was on Prozac for depression and he thought that was a sign that I was a complete psycho. If only he knew, I only needed Prozac to deal with him.

Then I met someone. I was 33 and he was 21. He was sweet and treated me like no one else ever had. I will call him Daniel. I was hesitant, obviously. He was so young. I had four children and a crazy ex. But we began to date and fell in love. We would go out after I was done work at night. I usually worked until midnight. It was winter and the snow had been falling. One night I saw footprints in the snow that had followed us from my house to the coffee shop and back. Another time, I saw footprints following us to my friend Sara's house. It was bothering me. So one night I called the house after I had left. No answer. I was right across the street from the house in a schoolyard. I decided to go back to the house and I saw him. Carl was following us. He had been for a couple of weeks. I told Daniel to go ahead to Sara's house and I confronted him. He yelled at me, calling me names and I yelled back at him. I went into the house and I locked the door. He kicked and punched the door and I was terrified. I told him to go see Anna and leave me and my children alone. After about 15 minutes he left. I got a call from Daniel once he arrived at Sara's house and I told him I needed to be alone. I sat there and cried. What would I do?

Gradually, Carl spent more and more time with Anna and by February I knew I felt strong enough to kick him out permanently. He came home one day on his lunch break and I told him it was time for him to leave. I said he should be with Anna and leave me alone. He still vehemently denied even knowing her but Anna has since confirmed that he was definitely dating her for months by that time.

We argued and he hit me. I yelled and swore at him and I went outside to where his friend Dave was parked in my driveway. He was laughing and I was pissed off. I told him he was a useless piece of sh*t for sitting there and laughing while a 350 pound man hit me. They left and I went in the house, packed all of Carl's stuff and left it in the front porch. I waited and waited and he didn't come home. I had the night off work and I finally called his friend Andy's house at about 8 pm. I told Carl to get his stuff out of the porch, he was officially kicked out.

Daniel came and consoled me. He was furious that Carl had hit me and he wanted to protect me so he never left my house after that night. I thought it was all over but I was so wrong.

Some Background on Me... Ms. C

I lost my first child when I was 19. She was beautiful and perfect. I held her for hours after she was born. She was a little past her due date and for no reason the autopsy could find, she died when I was in labour. I still cry about it now, 21 years later. I had two more beautiful girls with her father and then we divorced.

Then I met the first truly abusive man in my life. I will call him Bill. He was about ten years older than I was. He had other children and had been married twice. I had just turned 24 the week before I met him and he seemed to be nice enough. We started living together and I didn't really notice the control he had over me. My parents mentioned it but I said they were overreacting. I moved from BC to Ontario with him and things went to Hell quickly.

For three and a half years, he abused me and my two girls. I had a baby about two and a half years into living in Ontario and by the time she was 18 months old, Bill tried to kill me. So I need out and fast. I met Carl (not his real name) online in 1997. He is the reason for this blog. He is also the reason Canada needs better child custody laws, as well as better laws to protect women and children.
Carl offered to move me to the city he was living in. It was approximately ten hours from where I was living and it seemed like a safe place. I highly doubted that Bill would go looking for me there. I said yes. Carl and his friends would come and move me.

Was it a good idea? Not really. The man I had chatted with online and spoken to on the phone seemed so sweet and caring. I had a general idea of what he looked like but most of that was a shock to me as well.

Carl walked in my house with a bunch of people. He was swearing right away. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I swear a lot but this was my first meeting with him. What kind of first impression is that? He was shorter than he had told me and he was about 300 pounds. He was dressed like he had just finished working on a car. He had holes in his clothes and they were all stained. His jacket pocket was torn and the pocket was hanging there, looking forlorn. He needed a haircut desperately and his attempt at growing a mustache was laughable. The entire time I was taking all of this in, he was asking me if I was drunk and what the f*** was I doing, sleeping on the couch? (It was 3 am). I couldn't back out. I had just been released from the hospital a few days earlier, after the attack from Bill and I had to move so the kids and I could be safe.

First Off....

I am blogging about my own personal child custody story. A story of Hell and a lack of communication. It is also a story about the lack of rights for even the custodial parents and how abused women and children are treated in Canada.

There will be bits and pieces that are condensed for different reasons but usually it will be in order to not make the story too lengthy or confusing.

Once upon a time, I had security, love and attention. I had parents who loved me and my sisters very much. I was never hit, I never worried about anything and I felt so secure inside that little bubble. My dad vowed that no one would ever be able to hurt me. But my dad can't stop the evil things that happen because I am a grown up now, with my own children. Children I could not protect because I was "too stupid", according to authorities and child protection workers.

Everything I write is true but I will not use the real names of anyone. People have doubted the veracity of my story and when they do, I invite them to read the communications between me and my son's father or the many, many horrible court documents and the affidavits making accusations against me. I invite them to attend court with me and I even show them the documents from the child protections agency that have been served to me. Most of all, I like to show people that, although the child protection agency (Children's Aid) has sent both myself and my ex-common-law husband apology letters, they still visit when my ex calls them. They still invade my home and ask me humiliating questions. Even after I graduated from college as a Social Services Worker and started attending university as a Psychology major.

You may wonder what I am hiding. People ask me that. "Are you hiding something? Anything? This doesn't just happen to good parents or good people!" But I am not leading a double life. I am not abusing my children. And I live a good, clean life. I let my ex (the one terrorizing me) even dictate my life to the point I kicked my husband of several years out of my house. I am willing to do anything for my children. Anything.