Some Kind of Miracle?

For the past 24 hours I have been wondering and wondering why Curtis (yes, I am now using his and Susan's real names) dropped my son off to me. Is he now satisfied knowing that a couple of thousand dollars were wasted on this? Is he happy about the large payment the Canadian government gave him? Is he actually tired of his own child? Is Susan tired of my child?

He told me to be aware of some sort of horrible behaviours from my son. Of course, I have never seen any of these behaviours. Ever. Was he worried that the Children's Aid Society was on to him after his lawyer made up that story in court the last time? I mean, it was pretty cavalier of his 28 year old lawyer to prance her fat ass in the courtroom and lie about CAS being involved in my home. When she told the judge, "The Children's Aid Society is waiting on the sidelines to intervene if Ms. Dunphy is to retain her custody and have the child returned to her", did she think that my lawyer would not bring proof to the judge and the Office of the Children's Lawyer stating otherwise?

I feel terrible that I ever sent my son to see Curt in August. My poor boy cried and said, "I shouldn't have asked to see him when I wasn't even supposed to". BUT I DIDN'T HAVE TO LET HIM! What is wrong with me?

The Children's Aid BS

Yes, this blog is still a bit of a mess. I have had exams (which I have nearly failed) and papers to write (which I have done very well on) and life still goes on normally as well. So I have been exhausted.

So, the Child Protection Worker (CPW) found no evidence of abuse. But the allegations that were made were horrifying and it took about two weeks before she looked into my entire file and my life and verified things. This CPW, Linda seemed to believe Carl and Sandra at first. So, what did she ask Janelle at the interview? I know exactly what the CPW asked her because she asked her in front of me, to guage her reaction as well as mine!

*How often do your parents hit you? (Not, "Do your parents hit you?")
*Are you scared of your mom and Daniel?
*Has anyone "touched" you?
*Are you happy?

Those are some of the questions. It amounts to this: he and Sandra alleged that Daniel and I hit the kids and each other. That we are heavy drinkers, drug abusers and smoke pot around the kids. I apparently never buy food, etc and do not pay my bills. I was accused so many times of mental illness and finally I had to ask her how many people graduated in social work and got accepted to an undergrad Psych program in University while actively "severely mentally ill"? Besides, CAS has my damned medical records!

So the case was closed. I was advised to get a lawyer. It took me six weeks, but I finally got one on retainer. Ugh, ever expensive!

We went to court once. It was held over. We went again yesterday. How do I feel about it? Let's just say that I have absolutely no f***ing faith in this. Why not? Because I already have a court order stating my son is to be in my custody. The judge was cranky yesterday and no one, I mean NO ONE thought to say I should be able to at least see my son. I am so sick and tired of allegations of mental illness. I know why he is accusing me of mental illness. That CPW, Linda? She told him that unless he could say that something was terribly wrong with me personally, he would not get full custody with a no access order against me. So it is now up to me to disprove the allegations.

So, where do I go now?! There is no one in the world who will help me. And I feel very negative about this whole thing.

Ashes, Ashes, We All Fall Down

I was ordered to move out but I was not officially evicted so we stayed in the house. I have no idea what Carl may have told the landlord (his boss) but the landlord had his girlfriend start to harass us. She even threw a rock, breaking a window in the back room of the house. The landlord's girlfriend called CAS and told them we were "literally going to be living on the streets by morning" so I got a drop in visit from a very young social worker one evening. I explained everything to her. She didn't seem to believe me but then again I would be pretty doubtful as well!

I went back and forth to court, meanwhile finding a new job. Daniel had a nervous breakdown and had to be hospitalized. This got out and Carl used it against us. Daniel and I separated and I had to move in with a roommate. That was another horrible situation in itself but it is a story for another day!

Things got worse and Carl used the fact I didn't technically have a home against me in court. We kept fighting and fighting this in the courts. Now it was 2007. I was tired of it all. Daniel and I reconciled in September and by October we had a new place to live. We moved into my current residence in October, 2007.

We had literally nothing. Some old, filthy furniture my roommate gave me, a few mismatched dishes and a couple of old towels. It was sad but we had a decent house to live in. But then Daniel had another nervous breakdown. We couldn't afford his medications and he stopped taking them abruptly, causing withdrawals. Long story short, CAS was called by Anna. Carl had left her but they were still talking and he told her some other BS about me and Daniel so when Daniel had his breakdown, she called CAS. She told them a bunch of things that she thought were true and my children, Anthony and Janelle were apprehended and put into foster homes. I was devastated. I took two weeks off work.
The hardest part of this? Haley was shipped off to my ex-husband in BC! She was 15 and I did not give consent. In fact, I was told by the CAS worker whom I will call Amanda, that she thought I knew about it. I sure didn't but there she was, in BC!

It was four months before the kids were back. Except Haley. Caitlynn was not speaking to me at all. Carl had temporary custody of Anthony. He and his new girlfriend (his best friend's ex-girlfriend) had Anthony living in her apartment. I will call the girlfriend Marla. Marla is an idiot. I have known her for about ten years. She has kids with a guy named Rick. He has custody because she is a horrible person and doesn't even like kids, including her own. She abused my son and CAS eventually had to take him out of the home. Carl didn't care if she abused my child, as long as she would sleep with him. Lovely. Poor Janelle was stuck in a foster home with strangers because Carl refused to have anything to do with her. Why? Because she "told on him" when she told the workers about the abuse she experienced and saw when I was with him.

So, in February the kids were home. I was pretty bad off financially. Every time Carl feels like it, he applies for my Child Tax Benefit. (If you do not live in Canada, you will have to Google it because I am too tired to explain!) Apparently anyone has the right to apply for it and he has done it a total of.... five times now. Three times while he had my son and/or daughters in his custody.

Oh I shlould mention that when he left Anna for Marla, he left my two oldest girls with Anna and said they "weren't his problem anymore". He knew I was virtually homeless and broke because of him and left my two girls with her. Thankfully, she is truly a loving woman who took care of them for me... and she was duped by a jerk who played her over and over again. It's definitely not Anna's fault that she believed him and did what she did to me.

Okay, so I was broke but the kids were back. CAS and the judge decided Carl was not going to get custody of my son. CAS wrote me and Daniel letters of apology for what they put us through (I went through a Psych evaluation, for one thing) and in August 2008 I got full custody of my son. I also got accepted to go to college, got a student loan and I was on my way to becoming a social services worker! We got our house back to normal, got new furniture and we were finally financially stable! Life was great. Or was it?

A Road to Hell

A couple of nights after Carl took Anthony overnight, I called and said I wanted him to send Anthony back home. I was told a few things. First of all, I was called a "f***ed up bitch who didn't deserve any children". I was told that he was going to fight me for custody and that he had called the police and CAS, who told him to keep my son from me to "protect him" from a "dangerous person". I got called every name possible, yelled at and sworn at. Then Carl said, "Anthony f***ing hates you and never wants to speak to you again. Do not call here, you will be arrested." I called back after he hung up. Shortly after, the police and CAS showed up at my door. CAS brought the police because "the caller" (CARL) told the CAS worker that I was very dangerous. It was not the same worker I'd had in the past. She had moved away and shortly before she did, she had closed my case. This was an older woman and she was rude and bossy. She wanted to see my medications. All I take is thyroid medication but she insisted I was on all of these psychiatric drugs and I needed to show her NOW. I had just moved (again) and she wanted me to move furniture because dressers in the kids' rooms were not right against the walls and the beds were near the windows. She had me move a dresser with her although I told her I am prone to sciatica. (I wound up in ER with sciatica the next morning and had to take an unpaid leave from work for three weeks).

I went and got a lawyer. I couldn't do anything about the police and CAS but I might be able to get to see my son. Well, I didn't see my son again until October. In the meantime, my second oldest daughter, Haley moved in with Carl and Anna as well. They were buying her things and letting her do whatever she wanted. So, I had Janelle at home and she was pretty depressed. Everyone was gone and Mom and Dad (as she referred to Daniel as) were sad. Daniel went through a very serious depression and was given all sorts of antidepressants and sleeping pills. I was unable to bear the pain and I cried all the time.

We got a court date in October and Carl was ordered to send Anthony and Haley home. He tried to refuse but they were home in mid-October. My son cried a lot, he was clinging to me, having nightmares and wetting the bed. I was so unsure what to do and the CAS worker was STILL on my ass. I made complaints and they fell on deaf ears. I was so busy trying to get my family back to normal that I lost my job. The job I had held for six years. Daniel wasn't working due to his stress level, I had no job, the kids were a wreck and my landlord was Carl's boss. He ordered us to move out.

Never Gonna Give Up

No matter what, he would have found us. I didn't move out of the city, I didn't change jobs and I didn't change my routine. My counsellor had suggested that I change some of my routine but I honestly thought he would just leave us alone. He probably followed the truck when I was moving my furniture but I never realized it. Two weeks after we had moved, he sent me an email saying he knew where we lived. I told him to go to hell and said he couldn't know. Then he emailed me with my address. He insisted that I let him see the kids. I am so afraid of him so I said he could but it had to be in my house. After a lot of verbal abuse and profanity, he agreed. I told the worker from CAS and she was not impressed about it but she said until I retained a lawyer, it would have to do.

It went on that way for over a year. He still emotionally, mentally and verbally abused me. Daniel was at work a lot and I wouldn't tell him Carl saw the kids but he knew when they misbehaved. I kept saying I would get a lawyer but I didn't think any harm would come out of not having one.

In 2005, I realized just how wrong I was. In October, we started experiencing some issues with my oldest daughter, Caitlynn. She was 15 and she was beginning to get angry that Daniel was trying to "tell her what to do" and he wasn't that much older than she was. She had thought of Carl as her dad since she was seven years old and she had called him. He told her that she could stay with him for a couple of weeks. I was hesitant but she insisted. "He won't hurt me Mom. Anna is there and she won't let him", she told me. Well, it was either that or she would run away so I let her. Caitlynn didn't come back home for a very long time. Carl bought her new clothes, a cell phone, new furniture and anything else she wanted. He told her that I was a very seriously mentally ill person and on drugs and I was dangerous. Meanwhile, I had completed counselling and stopped taking antidepressants! (I haven't taken any antidepressants or tranquilizers since 2005). He eventually had her convinced I was the abusive one and that I had lied to her, causing her to have false memories of him abusing her. (This is something she and I have talked about over the past couple of years. She calls it "the brainwashing" and I often worry about her even though she is now 20). Caitlynn began to hate me, I thought. In fact, Carl told me she did hate me.

Carl still continued to see the kids at the house and in August of 2006 he asked if he could take my son, Anthony overnight. Anthony was seven, about to turn eight and he was going to sleepaway camp for the first time in his life. There had been a couple of deaths in Daniel's family and Carl said he would like to take Anthony overnight to help me out. I said yes and the nightmare really began. My life went downhill from there and it will never be the same again.

Some Background on Me... Ms. C

I lost my first child when I was 19. She was beautiful and perfect. I held her for hours after she was born. She was a little past her due date and for no reason the autopsy could find, she died when I was in labour. I still cry about it now, 21 years later. I had two more beautiful girls with her father and then we divorced.

Then I met the first truly abusive man in my life. I will call him Bill. He was about ten years older than I was. He had other children and had been married twice. I had just turned 24 the week before I met him and he seemed to be nice enough. We started living together and I didn't really notice the control he had over me. My parents mentioned it but I said they were overreacting. I moved from BC to Ontario with him and things went to Hell quickly.

For three and a half years, he abused me and my two girls. I had a baby about two and a half years into living in Ontario and by the time she was 18 months old, Bill tried to kill me. So I need out and fast. I met Carl (not his real name) online in 1997. He is the reason for this blog. He is also the reason Canada needs better child custody laws, as well as better laws to protect women and children.
Carl offered to move me to the city he was living in. It was approximately ten hours from where I was living and it seemed like a safe place. I highly doubted that Bill would go looking for me there. I said yes. Carl and his friends would come and move me.

Was it a good idea? Not really. The man I had chatted with online and spoken to on the phone seemed so sweet and caring. I had a general idea of what he looked like but most of that was a shock to me as well.

Carl walked in my house with a bunch of people. He was swearing right away. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I swear a lot but this was my first meeting with him. What kind of first impression is that? He was shorter than he had told me and he was about 300 pounds. He was dressed like he had just finished working on a car. He had holes in his clothes and they were all stained. His jacket pocket was torn and the pocket was hanging there, looking forlorn. He needed a haircut desperately and his attempt at growing a mustache was laughable. The entire time I was taking all of this in, he was asking me if I was drunk and what the f*** was I doing, sleeping on the couch? (It was 3 am). I couldn't back out. I had just been released from the hospital a few days earlier, after the attack from Bill and I had to move so the kids and I could be safe.

First Off....

I am blogging about my own personal child custody story. A story of Hell and a lack of communication. It is also a story about the lack of rights for even the custodial parents and how abused women and children are treated in Canada.

There will be bits and pieces that are condensed for different reasons but usually it will be in order to not make the story too lengthy or confusing.

Once upon a time, I had security, love and attention. I had parents who loved me and my sisters very much. I was never hit, I never worried about anything and I felt so secure inside that little bubble. My dad vowed that no one would ever be able to hurt me. But my dad can't stop the evil things that happen because I am a grown up now, with my own children. Children I could not protect because I was "too stupid", according to authorities and child protection workers.

Everything I write is true but I will not use the real names of anyone. People have doubted the veracity of my story and when they do, I invite them to read the communications between me and my son's father or the many, many horrible court documents and the affidavits making accusations against me. I invite them to attend court with me and I even show them the documents from the child protections agency that have been served to me. Most of all, I like to show people that, although the child protection agency (Children's Aid) has sent both myself and my ex-common-law husband apology letters, they still visit when my ex calls them. They still invade my home and ask me humiliating questions. Even after I graduated from college as a Social Services Worker and started attending university as a Psychology major.

You may wonder what I am hiding. People ask me that. "Are you hiding something? Anything? This doesn't just happen to good parents or good people!" But I am not leading a double life. I am not abusing my children. And I live a good, clean life. I let my ex (the one terrorizing me) even dictate my life to the point I kicked my husband of several years out of my house. I am willing to do anything for my children. Anything.