Friday, October 29, 2010
Why Am I Treated So Differently?
I was reading something in the news on Facebook in regards to an Amber Alert. A non-custodial parent took her child, a 12 year old boy, into her car. An Amber Alert was put out by the RCMP. My 12 year old son is kept from me by his non-custodial parent and I am treated like a friggin' criminal and piece of garbage. So, I have been crying for a few hours, thinking I must have been Hitler in another life to be treated the way I have. I have had CAS at my house, threatening to take my youngest daughter, I have been accused of doing horrible things to my own children and I have had the police at my door, late at night, treating me like a prison escapee. Yep, I am sad and bitter and I just want to be alone with my thoughts (and my kidney stones).
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Who Will Help Us?
My entire family is in turmoil over this. My friends are probably tired of listening to me. I have such wonderful friends though. I am a very lucky girl.
Who will help us? Who can help us? I have no idea. My lawyer hasn't been able to do anything yet so I feel hopeless right now.
What have I learned?
* A court order means nothing.
* CAS can invade your privacy and will side with the person who makes the initial call and allegations.
* The police and CAS do not really care if children are abused.
* A person can say anything they want about someone, in court or to an agency and get away with it.
* No one care about protecting children.
* Accomplishments mean SFA. It means nothing that he has no education, no job and is obviously a psychopath. He can steal my child.
Who will help us? Who can help us? I have no idea. My lawyer hasn't been able to do anything yet so I feel hopeless right now.
What have I learned?
* A court order means nothing.
* CAS can invade your privacy and will side with the person who makes the initial call and allegations.
* The police and CAS do not really care if children are abused.
* A person can say anything they want about someone, in court or to an agency and get away with it.
* No one care about protecting children.
* Accomplishments mean SFA. It means nothing that he has no education, no job and is obviously a psychopath. He can steal my child.
The Children's Aid BS
Yes, this blog is still a bit of a mess. I have had exams (which I have nearly failed) and papers to write (which I have done very well on) and life still goes on normally as well. So I have been exhausted.
So, the Child Protection Worker (CPW) found no evidence of abuse. But the allegations that were made were horrifying and it took about two weeks before she looked into my entire file and my life and verified things. This CPW, Linda seemed to believe Carl and Sandra at first. So, what did she ask Janelle at the interview? I know exactly what the CPW asked her because she asked her in front of me, to guage her reaction as well as mine!
*How often do your parents hit you? (Not, "Do your parents hit you?")
*Are you scared of your mom and Daniel?
*Has anyone "touched" you?
*Are you happy?
Those are some of the questions. It amounts to this: he and Sandra alleged that Daniel and I hit the kids and each other. That we are heavy drinkers, drug abusers and smoke pot around the kids. I apparently never buy food, etc and do not pay my bills. I was accused so many times of mental illness and finally I had to ask her how many people graduated in social work and got accepted to an undergrad Psych program in University while actively "severely mentally ill"? Besides, CAS has my damned medical records!
So the case was closed. I was advised to get a lawyer. It took me six weeks, but I finally got one on retainer. Ugh, ever expensive!
We went to court once. It was held over. We went again yesterday. How do I feel about it? Let's just say that I have absolutely no f***ing faith in this. Why not? Because I already have a court order stating my son is to be in my custody. The judge was cranky yesterday and no one, I mean NO ONE thought to say I should be able to at least see my son. I am so sick and tired of allegations of mental illness. I know why he is accusing me of mental illness. That CPW, Linda? She told him that unless he could say that something was terribly wrong with me personally, he would not get full custody with a no access order against me. So it is now up to me to disprove the allegations.
So, where do I go now?! There is no one in the world who will help me. And I feel very negative about this whole thing.
So, the Child Protection Worker (CPW) found no evidence of abuse. But the allegations that were made were horrifying and it took about two weeks before she looked into my entire file and my life and verified things. This CPW, Linda seemed to believe Carl and Sandra at first. So, what did she ask Janelle at the interview? I know exactly what the CPW asked her because she asked her in front of me, to guage her reaction as well as mine!
*How often do your parents hit you? (Not, "Do your parents hit you?")
*Are you scared of your mom and Daniel?
*Has anyone "touched" you?
*Are you happy?
Those are some of the questions. It amounts to this: he and Sandra alleged that Daniel and I hit the kids and each other. That we are heavy drinkers, drug abusers and smoke pot around the kids. I apparently never buy food, etc and do not pay my bills. I was accused so many times of mental illness and finally I had to ask her how many people graduated in social work and got accepted to an undergrad Psych program in University while actively "severely mentally ill"? Besides, CAS has my damned medical records!
So the case was closed. I was advised to get a lawyer. It took me six weeks, but I finally got one on retainer. Ugh, ever expensive!
We went to court once. It was held over. We went again yesterday. How do I feel about it? Let's just say that I have absolutely no f***ing faith in this. Why not? Because I already have a court order stating my son is to be in my custody. The judge was cranky yesterday and no one, I mean NO ONE thought to say I should be able to at least see my son. I am so sick and tired of allegations of mental illness. I know why he is accusing me of mental illness. That CPW, Linda? She told him that unless he could say that something was terribly wrong with me personally, he would not get full custody with a no access order against me. So it is now up to me to disprove the allegations.
So, where do I go now?! There is no one in the world who will help me. And I feel very negative about this whole thing.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Two Months Without My Child Again
As I stated, I did write some things in more detail than others. Right now, I have awesome relationships with my three girls. I am trying to work on my university education and I sit on a Board of Directors (currently in the President position) so I am definitely not the "nut job" he makes me out to be. Even if I had some form of depression or something, it would not make me a bad person or mother. But I had the Psych evaluation done for the last time we were in court. I have some anxiety which is pretty damned good considering seven years ago, I had panic disorder and was in therapy for PTSD (due to the abuse I went through).
I am not supposed to talk to my son. Carl's orders. My court order from August of 2008 states that I (the Respondent) am to have full custody of the minor child. It also states that the Applicant (jackassface) may have access to the minor child on the recommendations of the Children's Aid Society. Oh, but the CAS didn't want to address this. Instead, this is what happened on August 31st, 2010:
I went to the university to get all of my financial stuff done. I came home at 3:10 pm and my daughter, Haley said, "Mom! A lady from CAS was here and she will be back in the morning." I asked what the lady's name was and she said, "Oh, it was Linda something." I called CAS immediately and asked why a Linda was at my home. I was asked my name and when I told the receptionist my name she transferred me right away. I got ahold of Linda, who was abrupt and said she had just received a call in regards to my children in the past 24 hours and if I could not meet with her that day then it had to be the next morning and if not, she would come with a police escort. WHAT? I asked her what was so urgent. Being a social service worker, I know that if a CAS worker is responding to allegations within 24 hours that means the allegations were severe. The same thing with an unannounced call to the home. Not common.
The next morning, she showed up and Janelle was not home. She was at orientation for high school. Linda was not impressed. Haley was home and Caitlynn was visiting before work. She wouldn't talk to them really but they both told her how abusive Carl was. Linda said, "But that was in the past. Not only that, but you two are not children so it is not really relevant."
She asked me what my occupation was. She asked where Daniel was and I told her he had moved out but she refused to believe me because "Carl said he lives here". She asked about me hitting my kids and both girls said I have never hit them. She asked about my "drug use" and I said I don't use drugs or even drink. She insisted this was not true. She asked about my "severe mental illness" so many times. It was horrible. I had to show Linda every room of the house and she kept asking where Caitlynn's room was. I told her Caitlynn lives with her boyfriend and she kept saying, "But that's not what I was told." Grrrr.
She had to come back to see Janelle that afternoon. When she did, one of her first questions was, "How often do your mom and Daniel hit you?" Janelle was shocked. She immediately said, "NEVER!"
(To be continued)
I am not supposed to talk to my son. Carl's orders. My court order from August of 2008 states that I (the Respondent) am to have full custody of the minor child. It also states that the Applicant (jackassface) may have access to the minor child on the recommendations of the Children's Aid Society. Oh, but the CAS didn't want to address this. Instead, this is what happened on August 31st, 2010:
I went to the university to get all of my financial stuff done. I came home at 3:10 pm and my daughter, Haley said, "Mom! A lady from CAS was here and she will be back in the morning." I asked what the lady's name was and she said, "Oh, it was Linda something." I called CAS immediately and asked why a Linda was at my home. I was asked my name and when I told the receptionist my name she transferred me right away. I got ahold of Linda, who was abrupt and said she had just received a call in regards to my children in the past 24 hours and if I could not meet with her that day then it had to be the next morning and if not, she would come with a police escort. WHAT? I asked her what was so urgent. Being a social service worker, I know that if a CAS worker is responding to allegations within 24 hours that means the allegations were severe. The same thing with an unannounced call to the home. Not common.
The next morning, she showed up and Janelle was not home. She was at orientation for high school. Linda was not impressed. Haley was home and Caitlynn was visiting before work. She wouldn't talk to them really but they both told her how abusive Carl was. Linda said, "But that was in the past. Not only that, but you two are not children so it is not really relevant."
She asked me what my occupation was. She asked where Daniel was and I told her he had moved out but she refused to believe me because "Carl said he lives here". She asked about me hitting my kids and both girls said I have never hit them. She asked about my "drug use" and I said I don't use drugs or even drink. She insisted this was not true. She asked about my "severe mental illness" so many times. It was horrible. I had to show Linda every room of the house and she kept asking where Caitlynn's room was. I told her Caitlynn lives with her boyfriend and she kept saying, "But that's not what I was told." Grrrr.
She had to come back to see Janelle that afternoon. When she did, one of her first questions was, "How often do your mom and Daniel hit you?" Janelle was shocked. She immediately said, "NEVER!"
(To be continued)
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Don't Ever Let Your Guard Down
In May 2010, I graduated from college. I am a social services worker now! Finding a job in this city is impossible so in August I decided to go to university. I am a Psych major, minoring in Social Welfare. Things should be good, right? I have the best relationship with Caitlynn. She is a smart girl, 20 years old and she has a fiance-to-be (he got her a promise ring). She has been in college for a year and has two jobs. She has a beautiful home and she and I are closer than ever.
Haley is about to finish high school. She's 18. She has been home for about 18 months. She and I are closer than we ever were. She is doing so well, so far the last year in school has been her best I think! She is smart, beautiful and I am happy she is home.
Janelle is 14 now. She just started high school and she is so energetic and funny. She and Haley have the largest vocabularies for teenaged girls! Janelle is such a pretty girl and she loves to make me laugh.
Anthony hates me. He wanted to see his dad for the first time in two years this August. I have not been allowed to see him since. Carl messaged me and swore and freaked out. I called him, he swore and called me names, etc. He told me to kick Daniel out or I would never see my son again so I did. But I still haven't seen my son. He served me with custody papers. Please excuse the horrible spelling and grammar when I quote anything written on the papers! They state: "Mom not to see son untill she has seeked proper help". (Really?) And, "Mom has serious mental illness and cannot see son unsupervised." I didn't know he was a doctor. I am not even on medications. Is this for real? "Mom make hole house suffer for her being abusive with her boyfriend". Um, Daniel is my husband legally (or he was til I kicked him out at Carl's request). And what does that even mean?
I will write more about that later on but basically, he and this girlfriend Sandra whom I do not know, have told the courts I am nuts. I hired a lawyer and I am fighting it but in the meantime? Well... I will write more tomorrow... about CAS coming here and this new worker made allegations that upset us all. Saying I physically abused my kids and trying to say things about me sexually abusing them. It is so effed up. Believe me, this is not going to keep going on like this because I HAVE LEGAL CUSTODY. So, where are the cops in this? They pretty much told me to stop calling them and to deal with it myself. Yet they came to my house and said they wanted me to hand over my son's birth certificate. So I asked them to leave.
Haley is about to finish high school. She's 18. She has been home for about 18 months. She and I are closer than we ever were. She is doing so well, so far the last year in school has been her best I think! She is smart, beautiful and I am happy she is home.
Janelle is 14 now. She just started high school and she is so energetic and funny. She and Haley have the largest vocabularies for teenaged girls! Janelle is such a pretty girl and she loves to make me laugh.
Anthony hates me. He wanted to see his dad for the first time in two years this August. I have not been allowed to see him since. Carl messaged me and swore and freaked out. I called him, he swore and called me names, etc. He told me to kick Daniel out or I would never see my son again so I did. But I still haven't seen my son. He served me with custody papers. Please excuse the horrible spelling and grammar when I quote anything written on the papers! They state: "Mom not to see son untill she has seeked proper help". (Really?) And, "Mom has serious mental illness and cannot see son unsupervised." I didn't know he was a doctor. I am not even on medications. Is this for real? "Mom make hole house suffer for her being abusive with her boyfriend". Um, Daniel is my husband legally (or he was til I kicked him out at Carl's request). And what does that even mean?
I will write more about that later on but basically, he and this girlfriend Sandra whom I do not know, have told the courts I am nuts. I hired a lawyer and I am fighting it but in the meantime? Well... I will write more tomorrow... about CAS coming here and this new worker made allegations that upset us all. Saying I physically abused my kids and trying to say things about me sexually abusing them. It is so effed up. Believe me, this is not going to keep going on like this because I HAVE LEGAL CUSTODY. So, where are the cops in this? They pretty much told me to stop calling them and to deal with it myself. Yet they came to my house and said they wanted me to hand over my son's birth certificate. So I asked them to leave.
Ashes, Ashes, We All Fall Down
I was ordered to move out but I was not officially evicted so we stayed in the house. I have no idea what Carl may have told the landlord (his boss) but the landlord had his girlfriend start to harass us. She even threw a rock, breaking a window in the back room of the house. The landlord's girlfriend called CAS and told them we were "literally going to be living on the streets by morning" so I got a drop in visit from a very young social worker one evening. I explained everything to her. She didn't seem to believe me but then again I would be pretty doubtful as well!
I went back and forth to court, meanwhile finding a new job. Daniel had a nervous breakdown and had to be hospitalized. This got out and Carl used it against us. Daniel and I separated and I had to move in with a roommate. That was another horrible situation in itself but it is a story for another day!
Things got worse and Carl used the fact I didn't technically have a home against me in court. We kept fighting and fighting this in the courts. Now it was 2007. I was tired of it all. Daniel and I reconciled in September and by October we had a new place to live. We moved into my current residence in October, 2007.
We had literally nothing. Some old, filthy furniture my roommate gave me, a few mismatched dishes and a couple of old towels. It was sad but we had a decent house to live in. But then Daniel had another nervous breakdown. We couldn't afford his medications and he stopped taking them abruptly, causing withdrawals. Long story short, CAS was called by Anna. Carl had left her but they were still talking and he told her some other BS about me and Daniel so when Daniel had his breakdown, she called CAS. She told them a bunch of things that she thought were true and my children, Anthony and Janelle were apprehended and put into foster homes. I was devastated. I took two weeks off work.
The hardest part of this? Haley was shipped off to my ex-husband in BC! She was 15 and I did not give consent. In fact, I was told by the CAS worker whom I will call Amanda, that she thought I knew about it. I sure didn't but there she was, in BC!
It was four months before the kids were back. Except Haley. Caitlynn was not speaking to me at all. Carl had temporary custody of Anthony. He and his new girlfriend (his best friend's ex-girlfriend) had Anthony living in her apartment. I will call the girlfriend Marla. Marla is an idiot. I have known her for about ten years. She has kids with a guy named Rick. He has custody because she is a horrible person and doesn't even like kids, including her own. She abused my son and CAS eventually had to take him out of the home. Carl didn't care if she abused my child, as long as she would sleep with him. Lovely. Poor Janelle was stuck in a foster home with strangers because Carl refused to have anything to do with her. Why? Because she "told on him" when she told the workers about the abuse she experienced and saw when I was with him.
So, in February the kids were home. I was pretty bad off financially. Every time Carl feels like it, he applies for my Child Tax Benefit. (If you do not live in Canada, you will have to Google it because I am too tired to explain!) Apparently anyone has the right to apply for it and he has done it a total of.... five times now. Three times while he had my son and/or daughters in his custody.
Oh I shlould mention that when he left Anna for Marla, he left my two oldest girls with Anna and said they "weren't his problem anymore". He knew I was virtually homeless and broke because of him and left my two girls with her. Thankfully, she is truly a loving woman who took care of them for me... and she was duped by a jerk who played her over and over again. It's definitely not Anna's fault that she believed him and did what she did to me.
Okay, so I was broke but the kids were back. CAS and the judge decided Carl was not going to get custody of my son. CAS wrote me and Daniel letters of apology for what they put us through (I went through a Psych evaluation, for one thing) and in August 2008 I got full custody of my son. I also got accepted to go to college, got a student loan and I was on my way to becoming a social services worker! We got our house back to normal, got new furniture and we were finally financially stable! Life was great. Or was it?
I went back and forth to court, meanwhile finding a new job. Daniel had a nervous breakdown and had to be hospitalized. This got out and Carl used it against us. Daniel and I separated and I had to move in with a roommate. That was another horrible situation in itself but it is a story for another day!
Things got worse and Carl used the fact I didn't technically have a home against me in court. We kept fighting and fighting this in the courts. Now it was 2007. I was tired of it all. Daniel and I reconciled in September and by October we had a new place to live. We moved into my current residence in October, 2007.
We had literally nothing. Some old, filthy furniture my roommate gave me, a few mismatched dishes and a couple of old towels. It was sad but we had a decent house to live in. But then Daniel had another nervous breakdown. We couldn't afford his medications and he stopped taking them abruptly, causing withdrawals. Long story short, CAS was called by Anna. Carl had left her but they were still talking and he told her some other BS about me and Daniel so when Daniel had his breakdown, she called CAS. She told them a bunch of things that she thought were true and my children, Anthony and Janelle were apprehended and put into foster homes. I was devastated. I took two weeks off work.
The hardest part of this? Haley was shipped off to my ex-husband in BC! She was 15 and I did not give consent. In fact, I was told by the CAS worker whom I will call Amanda, that she thought I knew about it. I sure didn't but there she was, in BC!
It was four months before the kids were back. Except Haley. Caitlynn was not speaking to me at all. Carl had temporary custody of Anthony. He and his new girlfriend (his best friend's ex-girlfriend) had Anthony living in her apartment. I will call the girlfriend Marla. Marla is an idiot. I have known her for about ten years. She has kids with a guy named Rick. He has custody because she is a horrible person and doesn't even like kids, including her own. She abused my son and CAS eventually had to take him out of the home. Carl didn't care if she abused my child, as long as she would sleep with him. Lovely. Poor Janelle was stuck in a foster home with strangers because Carl refused to have anything to do with her. Why? Because she "told on him" when she told the workers about the abuse she experienced and saw when I was with him.
So, in February the kids were home. I was pretty bad off financially. Every time Carl feels like it, he applies for my Child Tax Benefit. (If you do not live in Canada, you will have to Google it because I am too tired to explain!) Apparently anyone has the right to apply for it and he has done it a total of.... five times now. Three times while he had my son and/or daughters in his custody.
Oh I shlould mention that when he left Anna for Marla, he left my two oldest girls with Anna and said they "weren't his problem anymore". He knew I was virtually homeless and broke because of him and left my two girls with her. Thankfully, she is truly a loving woman who took care of them for me... and she was duped by a jerk who played her over and over again. It's definitely not Anna's fault that she believed him and did what she did to me.
Okay, so I was broke but the kids were back. CAS and the judge decided Carl was not going to get custody of my son. CAS wrote me and Daniel letters of apology for what they put us through (I went through a Psych evaluation, for one thing) and in August 2008 I got full custody of my son. I also got accepted to go to college, got a student loan and I was on my way to becoming a social services worker! We got our house back to normal, got new furniture and we were finally financially stable! Life was great. Or was it?
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
A Road to Hell
A couple of nights after Carl took Anthony overnight, I called and said I wanted him to send Anthony back home. I was told a few things. First of all, I was called a "f***ed up bitch who didn't deserve any children". I was told that he was going to fight me for custody and that he had called the police and CAS, who told him to keep my son from me to "protect him" from a "dangerous person". I got called every name possible, yelled at and sworn at. Then Carl said, "Anthony f***ing hates you and never wants to speak to you again. Do not call here, you will be arrested." I called back after he hung up. Shortly after, the police and CAS showed up at my door. CAS brought the police because "the caller" (CARL) told the CAS worker that I was very dangerous. It was not the same worker I'd had in the past. She had moved away and shortly before she did, she had closed my case. This was an older woman and she was rude and bossy. She wanted to see my medications. All I take is thyroid medication but she insisted I was on all of these psychiatric drugs and I needed to show her NOW. I had just moved (again) and she wanted me to move furniture because dressers in the kids' rooms were not right against the walls and the beds were near the windows. She had me move a dresser with her although I told her I am prone to sciatica. (I wound up in ER with sciatica the next morning and had to take an unpaid leave from work for three weeks).
I went and got a lawyer. I couldn't do anything about the police and CAS but I might be able to get to see my son. Well, I didn't see my son again until October. In the meantime, my second oldest daughter, Haley moved in with Carl and Anna as well. They were buying her things and letting her do whatever she wanted. So, I had Janelle at home and she was pretty depressed. Everyone was gone and Mom and Dad (as she referred to Daniel as) were sad. Daniel went through a very serious depression and was given all sorts of antidepressants and sleeping pills. I was unable to bear the pain and I cried all the time.
We got a court date in October and Carl was ordered to send Anthony and Haley home. He tried to refuse but they were home in mid-October. My son cried a lot, he was clinging to me, having nightmares and wetting the bed. I was so unsure what to do and the CAS worker was STILL on my ass. I made complaints and they fell on deaf ears. I was so busy trying to get my family back to normal that I lost my job. The job I had held for six years. Daniel wasn't working due to his stress level, I had no job, the kids were a wreck and my landlord was Carl's boss. He ordered us to move out.
I went and got a lawyer. I couldn't do anything about the police and CAS but I might be able to get to see my son. Well, I didn't see my son again until October. In the meantime, my second oldest daughter, Haley moved in with Carl and Anna as well. They were buying her things and letting her do whatever she wanted. So, I had Janelle at home and she was pretty depressed. Everyone was gone and Mom and Dad (as she referred to Daniel as) were sad. Daniel went through a very serious depression and was given all sorts of antidepressants and sleeping pills. I was unable to bear the pain and I cried all the time.
We got a court date in October and Carl was ordered to send Anthony and Haley home. He tried to refuse but they were home in mid-October. My son cried a lot, he was clinging to me, having nightmares and wetting the bed. I was so unsure what to do and the CAS worker was STILL on my ass. I made complaints and they fell on deaf ears. I was so busy trying to get my family back to normal that I lost my job. The job I had held for six years. Daniel wasn't working due to his stress level, I had no job, the kids were a wreck and my landlord was Carl's boss. He ordered us to move out.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Never Gonna Give Up
No matter what, he would have found us. I didn't move out of the city, I didn't change jobs and I didn't change my routine. My counsellor had suggested that I change some of my routine but I honestly thought he would just leave us alone. He probably followed the truck when I was moving my furniture but I never realized it. Two weeks after we had moved, he sent me an email saying he knew where we lived. I told him to go to hell and said he couldn't know. Then he emailed me with my address. He insisted that I let him see the kids. I am so afraid of him so I said he could but it had to be in my house. After a lot of verbal abuse and profanity, he agreed. I told the worker from CAS and she was not impressed about it but she said until I retained a lawyer, it would have to do.
It went on that way for over a year. He still emotionally, mentally and verbally abused me. Daniel was at work a lot and I wouldn't tell him Carl saw the kids but he knew when they misbehaved. I kept saying I would get a lawyer but I didn't think any harm would come out of not having one.
In 2005, I realized just how wrong I was. In October, we started experiencing some issues with my oldest daughter, Caitlynn. She was 15 and she was beginning to get angry that Daniel was trying to "tell her what to do" and he wasn't that much older than she was. She had thought of Carl as her dad since she was seven years old and she had called him. He told her that she could stay with him for a couple of weeks. I was hesitant but she insisted. "He won't hurt me Mom. Anna is there and she won't let him", she told me. Well, it was either that or she would run away so I let her. Caitlynn didn't come back home for a very long time. Carl bought her new clothes, a cell phone, new furniture and anything else she wanted. He told her that I was a very seriously mentally ill person and on drugs and I was dangerous. Meanwhile, I had completed counselling and stopped taking antidepressants! (I haven't taken any antidepressants or tranquilizers since 2005). He eventually had her convinced I was the abusive one and that I had lied to her, causing her to have false memories of him abusing her. (This is something she and I have talked about over the past couple of years. She calls it "the brainwashing" and I often worry about her even though she is now 20). Caitlynn began to hate me, I thought. In fact, Carl told me she did hate me.
Carl still continued to see the kids at the house and in August of 2006 he asked if he could take my son, Anthony overnight. Anthony was seven, about to turn eight and he was going to sleepaway camp for the first time in his life. There had been a couple of deaths in Daniel's family and Carl said he would like to take Anthony overnight to help me out. I said yes and the nightmare really began. My life went downhill from there and it will never be the same again.
It went on that way for over a year. He still emotionally, mentally and verbally abused me. Daniel was at work a lot and I wouldn't tell him Carl saw the kids but he knew when they misbehaved. I kept saying I would get a lawyer but I didn't think any harm would come out of not having one.
In 2005, I realized just how wrong I was. In October, we started experiencing some issues with my oldest daughter, Caitlynn. She was 15 and she was beginning to get angry that Daniel was trying to "tell her what to do" and he wasn't that much older than she was. She had thought of Carl as her dad since she was seven years old and she had called him. He told her that she could stay with him for a couple of weeks. I was hesitant but she insisted. "He won't hurt me Mom. Anna is there and she won't let him", she told me. Well, it was either that or she would run away so I let her. Caitlynn didn't come back home for a very long time. Carl bought her new clothes, a cell phone, new furniture and anything else she wanted. He told her that I was a very seriously mentally ill person and on drugs and I was dangerous. Meanwhile, I had completed counselling and stopped taking antidepressants! (I haven't taken any antidepressants or tranquilizers since 2005). He eventually had her convinced I was the abusive one and that I had lied to her, causing her to have false memories of him abusing her. (This is something she and I have talked about over the past couple of years. She calls it "the brainwashing" and I often worry about her even though she is now 20). Caitlynn began to hate me, I thought. In fact, Carl told me she did hate me.
Carl still continued to see the kids at the house and in August of 2006 he asked if he could take my son, Anthony overnight. Anthony was seven, about to turn eight and he was going to sleepaway camp for the first time in his life. There had been a couple of deaths in Daniel's family and Carl said he would like to take Anthony overnight to help me out. I said yes and the nightmare really began. My life went downhill from there and it will never be the same again.
His Revenge: The Beginning
Carl continued to lie about his relationship with Anna for several months. I saw him with her in Wal Mart and the grocery store. My friends saw him with her and he introduced her as his girlfriend. He drove her car around town and even picked up my kids in it. He sent me emails (which Anna later told me she read and they upset her) saying he loved me and wanted me back. Then he would call me and tell me he hated me and wished I was dead. He told me I should kill myself to save him from having to do it. He would berate me which left me crying for hours on end. We worked in the same office and I became unable to go to work because he was sending me emails in which he was sexually harassing me. I complained and even showed the emails to management. The woman in HR had a "process" she had to go through and when she began the process she found out Carl was my ex. She told me she would not help me as this was a "personal issue to be sorted out among yourselves". I was exasperated. Carl caught wind of my complaint to management and he called me, yelling and threatening me. He said he would "bury me" and that I could interpret that any way I wanted to. I called the police and they said they couldn't (don't they mean wouldn't?) help me. That was the first of many calls I have made to the police over the years.
Children's Aid (also known as CAS, the child protection agency here) showed up at my door. There were allegations of my house being in a disgusting mess. I sat down with the worker (who found no such mess) and explained that Carl had been abusive to us. She decided that she would interview the children in the next few weeks. In the meantime though, he called CAS several more times. It got to the point I suspected they believed his lies.
One night, Carl called and said some horrible things. Not only did he reiterate how much he hated me and that he felt I should die but he also told me he would never leave me alone. He said that from that day on, he would make my life so completely miserable that if I didn't kill myself, I would wish I had. Why did I listen to him? Because he told me that if I hung up he would call me back. He said that if I blocked his phone number he would call my cell phone. And if I didn't answer my cell phone he would come to my house with CAS and the police and he would make up horrible stories so that they would apprehend my children. So I listened and I listened, to the terrible things he thought about me.
After he was done terrorizing me, I sat and cried. Daniel came home from work to find me hysterical. He took me to see a crisis nurse at the ER. She had me see the doctor on call, who gave me a prescription for clonazepam and increased my dose of Effexor. I went home and slept.
The next day was a beautiful spring day in May of 2004. I didn't get to enjoy it because I was unconscious and in the hospital. I will never really know what happened that day. The kids all went out to play and the next thing I remember is getting my stomach pumped and having seven stitches put in my arm. I saw a doctor, who interviewed me at length and he released me the next morning. He called the city police and we made a report after I told them everything Carl had said and done over the past several months. I was put on a medical leave of absence from my job until Carl either quit or was fired.
CAS still showed up constantly. The worker finally interviewed my children and when she was done, she was horrified by what they told her. She had us all put into counselling immediately and told me that Carl was not to see the children under any circumstances. He was so pissed off by this that he started threatening me again. I had just gone back to work (he was fired) and I couldn't handle it so I found a new house to move into and we moved. I felt as though the new start would be good for us. My counsellor told me to slowly start buying new curtains, furniture, etc and when I did, it was so therapeutic! Things were starting to look good.
If only this were true... but the happiness and freedom only lasted a couple of weeks.
Children's Aid (also known as CAS, the child protection agency here) showed up at my door. There were allegations of my house being in a disgusting mess. I sat down with the worker (who found no such mess) and explained that Carl had been abusive to us. She decided that she would interview the children in the next few weeks. In the meantime though, he called CAS several more times. It got to the point I suspected they believed his lies.
One night, Carl called and said some horrible things. Not only did he reiterate how much he hated me and that he felt I should die but he also told me he would never leave me alone. He said that from that day on, he would make my life so completely miserable that if I didn't kill myself, I would wish I had. Why did I listen to him? Because he told me that if I hung up he would call me back. He said that if I blocked his phone number he would call my cell phone. And if I didn't answer my cell phone he would come to my house with CAS and the police and he would make up horrible stories so that they would apprehend my children. So I listened and I listened, to the terrible things he thought about me.
After he was done terrorizing me, I sat and cried. Daniel came home from work to find me hysterical. He took me to see a crisis nurse at the ER. She had me see the doctor on call, who gave me a prescription for clonazepam and increased my dose of Effexor. I went home and slept.
The next day was a beautiful spring day in May of 2004. I didn't get to enjoy it because I was unconscious and in the hospital. I will never really know what happened that day. The kids all went out to play and the next thing I remember is getting my stomach pumped and having seven stitches put in my arm. I saw a doctor, who interviewed me at length and he released me the next morning. He called the city police and we made a report after I told them everything Carl had said and done over the past several months. I was put on a medical leave of absence from my job until Carl either quit or was fired.
CAS still showed up constantly. The worker finally interviewed my children and when she was done, she was horrified by what they told her. She had us all put into counselling immediately and told me that Carl was not to see the children under any circumstances. He was so pissed off by this that he started threatening me again. I had just gone back to work (he was fired) and I couldn't handle it so I found a new house to move into and we moved. I felt as though the new start would be good for us. My counsellor told me to slowly start buying new curtains, furniture, etc and when I did, it was so therapeutic! Things were starting to look good.
If only this were true... but the happiness and freedom only lasted a couple of weeks.
What Happened?
I stayed with Carl for six years. He would leave or I would break up with him over the years. Sometimes he refused to leave. I would go on with my life, working and doing my own thing while he continued to abuse us. He would date other women but still profess his love to me and he would apologize for all of the horrible things he did and said to me and my kids. What kinds of things? Kicking my children, hitting them, biting them, calling them names, dragging them by the hair, letting them see him hit me, letting them hear him threaten to kill me. His favourite thing to tell me was that if I ever dared to leave him permanently, he would kill me and make it look like an accident. In fact, Carl had it all set out. He would stab me in the chest and throw me down the stairs. Everyone knows how clumsy I am and would believe that I fell down the stairs, impaling myself with the knife.
I was scared but after six years I was tired of it all. He was seeing someone, a woman I had been chatting with quite a bit online. I was hanging out with her friends and I was oblivious until I saw his chat logs one night. He was sleeping with Anna. I was furious. So I broke it off. He refused to leave and he also denied sleeping with her. He had deleted the chat logs and he insisted that I was crazy. He liked to call me crazy a lot. I was on Prozac for depression and he thought that was a sign that I was a complete psycho. If only he knew, I only needed Prozac to deal with him.
Then I met someone. I was 33 and he was 21. He was sweet and treated me like no one else ever had. I will call him Daniel. I was hesitant, obviously. He was so young. I had four children and a crazy ex. But we began to date and fell in love. We would go out after I was done work at night. I usually worked until midnight. It was winter and the snow had been falling. One night I saw footprints in the snow that had followed us from my house to the coffee shop and back. Another time, I saw footprints following us to my friend Sara's house. It was bothering me. So one night I called the house after I had left. No answer. I was right across the street from the house in a schoolyard. I decided to go back to the house and I saw him. Carl was following us. He had been for a couple of weeks. I told Daniel to go ahead to Sara's house and I confronted him. He yelled at me, calling me names and I yelled back at him. I went into the house and I locked the door. He kicked and punched the door and I was terrified. I told him to go see Anna and leave me and my children alone. After about 15 minutes he left. I got a call from Daniel once he arrived at Sara's house and I told him I needed to be alone. I sat there and cried. What would I do?
Gradually, Carl spent more and more time with Anna and by February I knew I felt strong enough to kick him out permanently. He came home one day on his lunch break and I told him it was time for him to leave. I said he should be with Anna and leave me alone. He still vehemently denied even knowing her but Anna has since confirmed that he was definitely dating her for months by that time.
We argued and he hit me. I yelled and swore at him and I went outside to where his friend Dave was parked in my driveway. He was laughing and I was pissed off. I told him he was a useless piece of sh*t for sitting there and laughing while a 350 pound man hit me. They left and I went in the house, packed all of Carl's stuff and left it in the front porch. I waited and waited and he didn't come home. I had the night off work and I finally called his friend Andy's house at about 8 pm. I told Carl to get his stuff out of the porch, he was officially kicked out.
Daniel came and consoled me. He was furious that Carl had hit me and he wanted to protect me so he never left my house after that night. I thought it was all over but I was so wrong.
I was scared but after six years I was tired of it all. He was seeing someone, a woman I had been chatting with quite a bit online. I was hanging out with her friends and I was oblivious until I saw his chat logs one night. He was sleeping with Anna. I was furious. So I broke it off. He refused to leave and he also denied sleeping with her. He had deleted the chat logs and he insisted that I was crazy. He liked to call me crazy a lot. I was on Prozac for depression and he thought that was a sign that I was a complete psycho. If only he knew, I only needed Prozac to deal with him.
Then I met someone. I was 33 and he was 21. He was sweet and treated me like no one else ever had. I will call him Daniel. I was hesitant, obviously. He was so young. I had four children and a crazy ex. But we began to date and fell in love. We would go out after I was done work at night. I usually worked until midnight. It was winter and the snow had been falling. One night I saw footprints in the snow that had followed us from my house to the coffee shop and back. Another time, I saw footprints following us to my friend Sara's house. It was bothering me. So one night I called the house after I had left. No answer. I was right across the street from the house in a schoolyard. I decided to go back to the house and I saw him. Carl was following us. He had been for a couple of weeks. I told Daniel to go ahead to Sara's house and I confronted him. He yelled at me, calling me names and I yelled back at him. I went into the house and I locked the door. He kicked and punched the door and I was terrified. I told him to go see Anna and leave me and my children alone. After about 15 minutes he left. I got a call from Daniel once he arrived at Sara's house and I told him I needed to be alone. I sat there and cried. What would I do?
Gradually, Carl spent more and more time with Anna and by February I knew I felt strong enough to kick him out permanently. He came home one day on his lunch break and I told him it was time for him to leave. I said he should be with Anna and leave me alone. He still vehemently denied even knowing her but Anna has since confirmed that he was definitely dating her for months by that time.
We argued and he hit me. I yelled and swore at him and I went outside to where his friend Dave was parked in my driveway. He was laughing and I was pissed off. I told him he was a useless piece of sh*t for sitting there and laughing while a 350 pound man hit me. They left and I went in the house, packed all of Carl's stuff and left it in the front porch. I waited and waited and he didn't come home. I had the night off work and I finally called his friend Andy's house at about 8 pm. I told Carl to get his stuff out of the porch, he was officially kicked out.
Daniel came and consoled me. He was furious that Carl had hit me and he wanted to protect me so he never left my house after that night. I thought it was all over but I was so wrong.
More Background on Me... Ms. C
When did Carl first hit me? Well, let's see. He came to move me in the very early morning hours on November 30th but we couldn't leave til December 1st (we had to get a moving truck). While we were moving things out of the attic on December 1st, Carl kicked me. Yes, he kicked me in the ass. I was shocked and I yelled, "What was that for?" He smiled and said, "I told you I was going to kick your ass". During our many talks on the phone, Carl had, indeed, told me he would kick my ass. "You smoke too much", he would tell me. "I should kick your ass". Or if I hadn't called him for a day or two, he would say, "You didn't call me. Geez I guess I have to kick your ass". Always with a chuckle and I just attributed it to a smart ass kind of humour, much like my own. When he kicked me, I nearly fell down the carpeted stairs and I was very upset. I wanted to get this move over so I could forget this jerk!
We finally got the truck loaded up and Carl's sister in law put me and my three girls into her rented van. Tanya was really nice to us, considering she didn't even know us. She was going to drive us back to Carl's apartment, where we would stay for a couple of nights until my townhouse was ready for me to move into it. I had money with me to pay the deposit for the house and utilities. I was scared and Tanya knew that. I had never lived alone for long and with three young kids it would be hard.
It was such a long drive. I get car sick so I took an antinauseant. I awoke around 9 pm and we were pulling into a gas station. I got out to stretch and get a bottle of Pepsi and something for the kids. When I got back in the van and took a drink of my pop, I coughed. Carl piped up from the back seat, "Choke f***er". Tanya turned around, furious. "Shut up. Be nice to her. What the hell is wrong with you?" I just sat there with tears welling up in my eyes. Now I was starting to wonder what was wrong with me. Why would he say and do these things?
We made it to his apartment eventually. It was really late and the kids were tired and cranky. I put the two older girls to sleep on an old, dusty fold out couch and the baby in her playpen. Carl went to his room and I laid down on the musty old couch across from where the two girls were sleeping. I cried and cried.... this was my new life?
To make this a little shorter, I will condense the story even more. I found out I was pregnant a couple of weeks later. Carl wanted the baby to be his and I was scared to be alone. He had never once left my home since the day I moved into my house. I wanted him to leave but I was in a strange city, knew no one and I was pregnant. So my new life in a strange place, 3,000 miles from my parents and sisters was going to be horrible but I would have my three girls and my new baby.
Oh I guess I better put some fictional names to my girls. They are now 20, 18 and 14. My son is 12. At the time, they were seven, five and 18 months. I will call the oldest Caitlynn, the second oldest Haley and the youngest Janelle. I will call my son, who was born the next August, Anthony.
We finally got the truck loaded up and Carl's sister in law put me and my three girls into her rented van. Tanya was really nice to us, considering she didn't even know us. She was going to drive us back to Carl's apartment, where we would stay for a couple of nights until my townhouse was ready for me to move into it. I had money with me to pay the deposit for the house and utilities. I was scared and Tanya knew that. I had never lived alone for long and with three young kids it would be hard.
It was such a long drive. I get car sick so I took an antinauseant. I awoke around 9 pm and we were pulling into a gas station. I got out to stretch and get a bottle of Pepsi and something for the kids. When I got back in the van and took a drink of my pop, I coughed. Carl piped up from the back seat, "Choke f***er". Tanya turned around, furious. "Shut up. Be nice to her. What the hell is wrong with you?" I just sat there with tears welling up in my eyes. Now I was starting to wonder what was wrong with me. Why would he say and do these things?
We made it to his apartment eventually. It was really late and the kids were tired and cranky. I put the two older girls to sleep on an old, dusty fold out couch and the baby in her playpen. Carl went to his room and I laid down on the musty old couch across from where the two girls were sleeping. I cried and cried.... this was my new life?
To make this a little shorter, I will condense the story even more. I found out I was pregnant a couple of weeks later. Carl wanted the baby to be his and I was scared to be alone. He had never once left my home since the day I moved into my house. I wanted him to leave but I was in a strange city, knew no one and I was pregnant. So my new life in a strange place, 3,000 miles from my parents and sisters was going to be horrible but I would have my three girls and my new baby.
Oh I guess I better put some fictional names to my girls. They are now 20, 18 and 14. My son is 12. At the time, they were seven, five and 18 months. I will call the oldest Caitlynn, the second oldest Haley and the youngest Janelle. I will call my son, who was born the next August, Anthony.
Some Background on Me... Ms. C
I lost my first child when I was 19. She was beautiful and perfect. I held her for hours after she was born. She was a little past her due date and for no reason the autopsy could find, she died when I was in labour. I still cry about it now, 21 years later. I had two more beautiful girls with her father and then we divorced.
Then I met the first truly abusive man in my life. I will call him Bill. He was about ten years older than I was. He had other children and had been married twice. I had just turned 24 the week before I met him and he seemed to be nice enough. We started living together and I didn't really notice the control he had over me. My parents mentioned it but I said they were overreacting. I moved from BC to Ontario with him and things went to Hell quickly.
For three and a half years, he abused me and my two girls. I had a baby about two and a half years into living in Ontario and by the time she was 18 months old, Bill tried to kill me. So I need out and fast. I met Carl (not his real name) online in 1997. He is the reason for this blog. He is also the reason Canada needs better child custody laws, as well as better laws to protect women and children.
Carl offered to move me to the city he was living in. It was approximately ten hours from where I was living and it seemed like a safe place. I highly doubted that Bill would go looking for me there. I said yes. Carl and his friends would come and move me.
Was it a good idea? Not really. The man I had chatted with online and spoken to on the phone seemed so sweet and caring. I had a general idea of what he looked like but most of that was a shock to me as well.
Carl walked in my house with a bunch of people. He was swearing right away. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I swear a lot but this was my first meeting with him. What kind of first impression is that? He was shorter than he had told me and he was about 300 pounds. He was dressed like he had just finished working on a car. He had holes in his clothes and they were all stained. His jacket pocket was torn and the pocket was hanging there, looking forlorn. He needed a haircut desperately and his attempt at growing a mustache was laughable. The entire time I was taking all of this in, he was asking me if I was drunk and what the f*** was I doing, sleeping on the couch? (It was 3 am). I couldn't back out. I had just been released from the hospital a few days earlier, after the attack from Bill and I had to move so the kids and I could be safe.
Then I met the first truly abusive man in my life. I will call him Bill. He was about ten years older than I was. He had other children and had been married twice. I had just turned 24 the week before I met him and he seemed to be nice enough. We started living together and I didn't really notice the control he had over me. My parents mentioned it but I said they were overreacting. I moved from BC to Ontario with him and things went to Hell quickly.
For three and a half years, he abused me and my two girls. I had a baby about two and a half years into living in Ontario and by the time she was 18 months old, Bill tried to kill me. So I need out and fast. I met Carl (not his real name) online in 1997. He is the reason for this blog. He is also the reason Canada needs better child custody laws, as well as better laws to protect women and children.
Carl offered to move me to the city he was living in. It was approximately ten hours from where I was living and it seemed like a safe place. I highly doubted that Bill would go looking for me there. I said yes. Carl and his friends would come and move me.
Was it a good idea? Not really. The man I had chatted with online and spoken to on the phone seemed so sweet and caring. I had a general idea of what he looked like but most of that was a shock to me as well.
Carl walked in my house with a bunch of people. He was swearing right away. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I swear a lot but this was my first meeting with him. What kind of first impression is that? He was shorter than he had told me and he was about 300 pounds. He was dressed like he had just finished working on a car. He had holes in his clothes and they were all stained. His jacket pocket was torn and the pocket was hanging there, looking forlorn. He needed a haircut desperately and his attempt at growing a mustache was laughable. The entire time I was taking all of this in, he was asking me if I was drunk and what the f*** was I doing, sleeping on the couch? (It was 3 am). I couldn't back out. I had just been released from the hospital a few days earlier, after the attack from Bill and I had to move so the kids and I could be safe.
First Off....
I am blogging about my own personal child custody story. A story of Hell and a lack of communication. It is also a story about the lack of rights for even the custodial parents and how abused women and children are treated in Canada.
There will be bits and pieces that are condensed for different reasons but usually it will be in order to not make the story too lengthy or confusing.
Once upon a time, I had security, love and attention. I had parents who loved me and my sisters very much. I was never hit, I never worried about anything and I felt so secure inside that little bubble. My dad vowed that no one would ever be able to hurt me. But my dad can't stop the evil things that happen because I am a grown up now, with my own children. Children I could not protect because I was "too stupid", according to authorities and child protection workers.
Everything I write is true but I will not use the real names of anyone. People have doubted the veracity of my story and when they do, I invite them to read the communications between me and my son's father or the many, many horrible court documents and the affidavits making accusations against me. I invite them to attend court with me and I even show them the documents from the child protections agency that have been served to me. Most of all, I like to show people that, although the child protection agency (Children's Aid) has sent both myself and my ex-common-law husband apology letters, they still visit when my ex calls them. They still invade my home and ask me humiliating questions. Even after I graduated from college as a Social Services Worker and started attending university as a Psychology major.
You may wonder what I am hiding. People ask me that. "Are you hiding something? Anything? This doesn't just happen to good parents or good people!" But I am not leading a double life. I am not abusing my children. And I live a good, clean life. I let my ex (the one terrorizing me) even dictate my life to the point I kicked my husband of several years out of my house. I am willing to do anything for my children. Anything.
There will be bits and pieces that are condensed for different reasons but usually it will be in order to not make the story too lengthy or confusing.
Once upon a time, I had security, love and attention. I had parents who loved me and my sisters very much. I was never hit, I never worried about anything and I felt so secure inside that little bubble. My dad vowed that no one would ever be able to hurt me. But my dad can't stop the evil things that happen because I am a grown up now, with my own children. Children I could not protect because I was "too stupid", according to authorities and child protection workers.
Everything I write is true but I will not use the real names of anyone. People have doubted the veracity of my story and when they do, I invite them to read the communications between me and my son's father or the many, many horrible court documents and the affidavits making accusations against me. I invite them to attend court with me and I even show them the documents from the child protections agency that have been served to me. Most of all, I like to show people that, although the child protection agency (Children's Aid) has sent both myself and my ex-common-law husband apology letters, they still visit when my ex calls them. They still invade my home and ask me humiliating questions. Even after I graduated from college as a Social Services Worker and started attending university as a Psychology major.
You may wonder what I am hiding. People ask me that. "Are you hiding something? Anything? This doesn't just happen to good parents or good people!" But I am not leading a double life. I am not abusing my children. And I live a good, clean life. I let my ex (the one terrorizing me) even dictate my life to the point I kicked my husband of several years out of my house. I am willing to do anything for my children. Anything.
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